I Think My Vagina Sprung a Leak

Dear Toys R Us

I know my product’s warranty period ended 30 years ago, but what do you expect if your customers only get to test it out properly after adolescence? Considering how crap your merchandise is, I think you’ll see the sense in issuing a refund.

The packaging said that the product was self-lubricating and easy to maintain. Bullshit! For a start, with Ash, it barely got wet at all, and you’d think when I found the right guy, lubrication would be optimal. Well! When Jack took out his belt, my vagina… well, let’s just say I’d appreciate it if you’d ask your technicians to check if there’s a leak.

(Continued below) 


As for the “easy maintenance” claim, are you sure you shouldn’t be writing Mills and Boon novels instead of vagina package inserts? I think fiction would be more your style considering the veracity of your claims. My pussy arrived hairless, which is what I fucking ordered. Did it stay hairless? Fuck you. I had to turn into a contortionist for 30 minutes a week just to keep it smooth. I would deal with the inconvenience happily if my vagina properly did what it was made to do in the first place: have tons of sex.

Does it? Noooo! That would be too easy. After a week of thrice-daily sex, it completely loses the plot. You need a science doctorate just to maintain its chemical balance, and frankly, I’m sick of its PH levels going to pot every time I finally find a man worth fucking more than twice a week.

And by the way, that pregnancy deal? Are you kidding me? I did not sign up for that, so I don’t see why you stuck a damned hole in the motherfucking cervix. Honestly, I feel victimised by this supposed “design feature”, but I did what your manufacturer said anyway and got a Depo Provera shot. Approximately seventy chocolates later, I’m disgusted to report that your manufacturer is clearly only recommending hormones because he’s taking kickbacks from Lindt.

I’ve repackaged your crappy product and sent it back to your factory. Please send me a permanently hairless model that lubricates only when it’s not embarrassing. I would also like one that doesn’t break from too much sex.

Yours Indignantly

P.S. Please tell your Research and Development department that Oxford University studies show that 92% of men find pea-sized objects way easier when they have bull’s eyes painted on them. I’ll let you have that information free of charge if you patch up the hole in my cervix.


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