The Instagram Ex-boyfriend Saga

I recently got my first smartphone. The world of social media just got bigger. Now I have websites inviting me to look at the perfectly photographed lives of everyone I’ve emailed in the last century.

Awesome </sarcasm>.

Thank you, Instagram, for reintroducing me to my favourite ex-boyfriend, his gorgeous girlfriend, and their impossibly cute newborn baby. That album totes made my day.

I hate you, Instagram.

(Continued below) 


I know you’ve probably never had an ex given that you’re a website, so let me explain this to you like you’re made out of ones and zeroes. According to my ex-boyfriend fantasy, which is 100% accurate, all my exes went into a grief so palpable they could barely stand up after we broke up. They did eventually find happiness, but listen carefully, you idiotic sack of pixels: I said they found HAPPINESS. They did not find new girlfriends who apparently belong on the cover of Vogue. This is a critical part of my fantasy, and nobody, not even a Pinterest wannabe like you, is allowed to shatter my imaginings.

Sure, in the deeper recesses of my mind, I know all my exes have moved on. I never said I was stupid. I said I was irrational. There’s a difference, and you’ve fucked up my denialism royally. I want my exes to have all the joy they deserve (except for that one asshole. You know the one. Thank you for showing me how boring his life is today, by the way).

I even want my exes to find true love. Kind of. Mostly.

I just want to pretend they haven’t.

Do you think Pinterest pulled the shit you did today, Instagram? Nope. Pinterest showed me 549 indigo bedrooms, 54 homemade teddy bears, and a picture of a boat. Do you know what that did for my day? Made it better, which is more than I can say for your contribution. There’s a reason only 12 of my Facebook friends use your network, and I’m guessing it has something to do with too many ex-boyfriends and not enough eggshell window treatments.


4 thoughts on “The Instagram Ex-boyfriend Saga

  1. I adore this. I like to think my ex-boyfriends disappear into another dimension I will never discover and where time has stopped. So, in essence, they have been disappeared from my current reality permanently. Social networking makes it very difficult to sustain this belief, however. #fuckers

    Pinterest, on the other hand, shows me lovely pictures of gardens with pretty curved bricked pathways surrounded by English cottage flowers that I can pretend I actually have the talent and motivation to recreate… and endless memes with Anais Nin quotes on them. THEY are allowed in my dimension of reality.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ohhh don’t go badmouthing social media for this too much. It comes in super handy when you want to hunt out a new photo of your ex so that you can delay that healing and keep beating the shite out of your already broken heart. I am lucky my ex is very selective releasing any kind of photo on social media.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just saw a pic of K (who I am still in love with 10 months after breaking up) with her new bf (she had told me she was in a new relationship). But nothing like seeing a photo. She looks really happy and he looks nice. It’s very strange trying to be happy for someone and all broken up about it at the same time. Going through this for the first time at 44 is such a bugger!


  3. Maintaining relationships with exes is tricky. Some can be friends, others it just doesn’t work and hurts too much. But I am disturbed by how my iPhone seems to know everyone I have ever interacted with and reminds me of them, even when I do not wish for that.

    Liked by 1 person

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