Imposters in the Kink Community

When I found the kink community, I was an exhibitionist and a slave. That was another life. I’m living this life now, and every streak of exhibitionism in me has evaporated. These days, ‘demisexual’ probably describes me best, but that label will rub off soon enough. They usually do.


Kink has been a part of my life for over 20 years, and the only thing I’ve learned about my sexuality in all that time is that it’s a constantly evolving organism. The more certain I am that I’ve finally found a solid sexual identity, the more overwhelming the next transformation is. Buddhists say there is only one permanence: impermanence. In my life, I’ve been a a sub, a switch, a primal, a slut, and a masochist. I’ve been all hundred shades in between. There’s only one thing I’ve never been: static.

I often take a vanilla world friend with me to events, and despite his fondness for kink, he feels like an imposter. He’s no different to most of the newbies I meet here. They often say they don’t fit in because they’re still exploring or they’re not sufficiently submissive/dominant/masochistic/insert your favourite judgement here. I felt that way when I came to Fetlife, too. If I were to guess, I’d say most of us feel like imposters in the BDSM community.

Most of my closest kink friends think they’re too vanilla or that their roles don’t fit precisely enough under a label to have any relevance. Truthfully, I find such people more authentic and honest, which is why they’re my friends. I’ll acknowledge that many of those who see themselves as fully evolved sometimes are fully evolved, but more often than not, I suspect they’re just pretending because they have an even worse case of imposter syndrome than the rest of us.

All respect to our riggers, rope bunnies, and those who’ve put the years into learning their skills. I admire them as much as anyone who’s worked hard to develop their craft, but we are all still just people. We have one thing in common: we live sex positive lives. That is it. We’re all just imposters because we’re different to everyone else. That’s what makes us alike: our differences.

We’re all just enjoying the ride. We’re all exploring, and I think it’s important to acknowledge that. Seen this way, I feel free to dabble in only those things that interest me. I won’t put pressure on myself to play with kinks I’m not comfortable with. I won’t be liable to fuck up my part of the consent deal as a sub if I remember there is no such thing as superior submission. We’re just dealing in feelings, after all, and kink is far more interesting when it’s expressed through an authentic individual anyway.

We’re all imposters. That’s why you and I can feel so at home here.


5 thoughts on “Imposters in the Kink Community

  1. We are all imposters in life in general. People generally just make shit up as they go along. Some are just really, really good at selling it to the rest.

    As for kink. My experience was stuttering. When I first tried proper kink (after a life time on being “into it”) I really didn’t enjoy it. WTF!? Second partner and it was slightly better. By the time I found a partner that was a good match I was totally immersed in the kink lifestyle and loving every second of it. Nowhere else in my life have I found a community that is so open, non-judgemental, welcoming, understanding and generally just lovely. There are still absolute twats, wall flowers and “cooler than cool” individuals that occasionally tarnish the beautifully shiny kink globe for me. But ignore them and its a beautiful world to live and explore in.

    Liked by 2 people

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