A Rapist’s Response to the Bathroom Bill

“Sexual predators would have “legitimized access to women’s restrooms.” – Peter Sprigg

To the disappointed victim I was forced not to rape

I’m sorry I didn’t get to rape you in the public bathroom today. I had every intention to when I woke up this morning, but you know how life gets in the way. I’d actually been planning our “little bathroom date” since Friday. I bought a condom (safe rape is important) and some lube (for her comfort), and then I went out to buy some lady clothes, a wig, and some Lancôme lipstick so that I could slip into the bathroom after you without anyone noticing I’m actually a cis-gendered man. Do you have any idea what Lancôme costs? And you call me uncommitted! When I saw the price tag I almost considered assaulting you in that deserted park you go to every night after dark instead, but I do so like my crime to happen in bathrooms.

(Continued below) 

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Anyway, as is my habit, this weekend I went through all the new laws in our state to make sure they still allowed men to use women’s bathrooms. I really did try to make sure our rape would happen without a hitch. On Sunday, we were a-go. Men were still allowed in women’s restrooms and rape… well, let’s not talk about that particular law, shall we? It’s so inconvenient.

After all that planning, Monday afternoon dawned, and they announced on CNN that we were suddenly only allowed to use bathrooms that corresponded with the genders on our birth certificates. So I had to cancel my rape appointment because I absolutely refuse to break the law in order to break the law.

Why are you looking at me like that? I know the one is closer do a misdemeanour and the other is… well… kind of serious, really… but I’m not an equal opportunity moralist.

You’ll be glad to know that all my rapist buddies are going to stop dressing in frocks and assaulting women in restrooms now. In sadder news, Lancôme refused to refund me for that lipstick. Tell you what: I’m intending on raping you in the park after all due to this damned bathroom bill, but I’d be more than happy to give you that lipstick when we see each other. Do you wear Sugared Maple Shimmer?

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