Warring Clans of the Fetlife Tundra

On their kink-infested island, Fetlifians are both hunter and hunted. The species is known for its weird mating rituals and tendency to be much too politically correct. Most breeds live on caffeine and can frequently be found snorting coffee out of their noses while reading. Fetlifians do not, for some unknown reason, snort cum out of their noses. The reason for this difference in beverage snorting is a puzzle biologists are still struggling to solve. Clinical trials are currently underway and, if scientists succeed at unveiling the truth, they will ultimately save millions of keyboards from extinction.

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If you look beyond that dildo fern, you’ll see a young Dudebro Fetlifian in the underbrush trying to cyber-mount a Baby Girl after noticing that she has bewbs. He will soon throw his cock shot into her inbox without asking for permission first. Dudebros who engage in this practice are otherwise known as ‘assholes.’

Dudebros might be messy, but there are untidier creatures in the Fetlife savannah. This Crested Reader lives on bread and leaves crumbs everywhere it goes. If you observe long enough, you’ll soon see a gregarious clutch of Service Subs sweeping up their leftovers from the threads of the K&P jungle, which have become entirely buried in discarded carbs. Professor Vidar from Oxford University claims that these breadcrumbs are the greatest risk faced by Fetlifians, who are not eating enough celery for his taste.

Look carefully, and you’ll see some Spotters hiding behind the succulents spectating but not participating. These stragglers are more theatrical than injurious, unlike Dudebros, which nervously grab at any female in sight in an attempt to herd them away from their mates.

Primatologist, John Engelhardt, is observing three main feminist groups in the Fetlife deserts: The Advocate, the Outraged Lollygagger, and the Slacktivist. This group has a strict hierarchy so, when territories overlap, raucous spats erupt.

During the daytime, Alpha Doms climb all the way into the Fresh and Pervy canopy waving their testosterone around as though anyone gives a fuck. The Alpha Dom is always male, and yet it cannot reproduce asexually. Nobody knows how this species manages to replicate, but it’s believed that it might involve the donning of black T-shirts and a tendency to swing their dicks in people’s faces. Alphas favour the genital grab, a Trumpesque mating behaviour with exactly zero odds of success.

Margie Jones, a Ph.D. student from Cambridge, is studying Alpha Subs, focusing on their superiority complex and tendency to strut around the Fetlife Tundra wearing tiaras. Even the males can be found donning extremely pretty crowns, and as the night settles in, you’ll spot the older Alphas eventually leave their tribe, competing for position as Events Organisers. They poke at their rivals with a cane to let them know their place in the social order.

Fetlifian mating practices are constantly under threat by credit card companies, which do not protect endangered kinks. Animal welfare groups are working hard to rescue the species, but the only real way to prevent extinction is by donating copious amounts of Nutella to SpanishRed.

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