“Fetlife is a Sex Site… “

When you arrive in a stranger’s inbox with your cock in your hand telling them your behaviour is acceptable because this is a sex site, it’s clear that you haven’t figured out what the kink community is about. That we’re on a kink site is not a reason to heed boundaries less. It’s a reason to be even more careful about unsolicited sexual advances.

I will never be one of those subs who escapes a flogging bone dry. It’s one of the reasons you won’t see me hanging on a St Andrews cross at the other end of a sadist’s whip at an event. I can’t play with a top unless I’m comfortable to connect with him sexually. Kink is sex to me so when I first began doing events, I felt paranoid that men might thrust their testosterone in my face the way I was so effortfully resisting thrusting my testosterone in their faces.

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I don’t even think about that paranoia anymore because I’ve learned my boundaries are generally respected more at play parties than at your average bar. There will always be bad apples, but our event organisers are so careful about consent that you’d have to try damned hard to find a way to have your boundaries crossed. Our playrooms are kept away from social areas so that nobody is exposed to scenes unless they choose to be. Even so, sexual play at our ‘Learn and Play’ parties is rare.

We have a few types of parties, and the more sexual they become, the more careful the organisers are about consent. I can go to an event with kinksters and swingers fucking in public without stumbling on anything sexual at all. Rooms are carefully designated to different levels of play, and they’re explained to us before the event even happens so that everyone’s boundaries are left firmly intact.

We might want to shove our genitals in some people’s faces ‘round here, but we like to make sure those faces are willing. Since we spend so much time in a sex-immersed eco-system, most of us work hard to make sure those who aren’t into it aren’t exposed to it.

Treading on boundaries is an excellent way to cock block yourself, by the way. The safer I feel, the more likely I am to put myself in sexually charged situations. I’m weird that way: I kind of need to feel I won’t be raped in order to let loose.

Many people separate sex and kink. Some of us can’t, and these differences apply offline and on. Some are not here for sex at all. That’s why this is a kink network, not a ‘sex site’. There’s a hell of a lot of sex around, though, which is precisely why we’re so careful about establishing people’s sexual boundaries before we storm into their worlds with our hormones raging. This does not prevent people from finding sex partners. It makes it easier to get laid if you’re ethical enough to treat people like people.


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