I can’t bear the idea of a man using his dominance to teach me how to live my personal life, no matter how many kinky fairy lights you dress it up in. When a man expects to take me on a journey of healing through kink, I want to hide under my desk under a pile of lever arch files. The very idea of therapy through kink is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I’d sooner eat a jar of Marmite neat.
I don’t submit because I need guidance. I submit because I don’t need guidance so I have the strength to give up control. I already have the resources to live my life well, and I don’t need a D-type to replace them. The only reason I can explore the darkness because I’ve already overcome it.
There are subs who use submission to escape their power for a while. There are subs who use it to demonstrate their power. I’m a sub because power exchange fascinates me. I love being used and I love exploring the corners that have shadows in them. Spoiling a dom gives me joy, but when I come to you as a service sub, I come to you whole. I believe the vast majority of our community’s subs are equally healthy. Assuming we all need to be taught to live is a failure to understand who we are or how dangerous submission really is. It takes courage, fortitude, and trust in our own competence.
Impermanence is the nature of the vast majority of relationships, and if I didn’t have my strength, I might get lost in a D/s dynamic and never find my way out. I would be too terrified to submit if I was still struggling to figure out how to exist happily in the world.
When my first dominant and I broke up, the only way I knew to cope with the loss was to keep our protocols because our dynamic had leaked into every square millimetre of my life. It was exquisite while it lasted, but the struggle to find a space that belonged only to me made the grief difficult to tolerate. I couldn’t get away from him for a second even though he was no longer there. The stain of him had seeped into every minute of my life.
The only reason I can even think of having a 24/7 dynamic again is because I’ve found my personal power, and not because I’m looking for it. Submission is like jumping off a cliff. You just don’t do it unless you know you have wings.