I’m not one of those subs who feels unfulfilled without a dominant, nor do I have a permanently ignited slave heart that submits the second it finds a partner. In my day to day life, I’m the opposite of submissive: stubborn, self-supporting, and even (gasp) dominant. I’ve been unmarried for decades, so my options were independence or bust. I chose the former, mainly because I’m not stupid.
There is no hole in my damned soul, Master Twue. Submission is not a means of spiritual fulfilment for me. I’m fulfilled without kink’s help. Does D/s feel like a spiritual experience? Oh, yes. Many times over, yes. That doesn’t make it some kind of highfalutin cult. It makes sex intense enough to feel like a new plane of existence. Like any self-respecting sceptic, I put that down to hormones, which, in the right quantities, can top any religion.
I enjoy the depth of D/s. I love its intimacy and all the darkness it digs up, but if you’re after the kind of sub who wants to give up control before you earn your place, I’m not your woman. Hell, if that’s the kind of submission you’re looking for, I’m likely to dominate the hell out of you. Didn’t I say I was stubborn?
Submission must be kindled in me. In many ways it’s a product of respect. If I defer to you, it’s because you make me want to, and that’s easy to do if you’re a principled person.
My submission is like an oyster: hard and unyielding on the outside, malleable and soft on the inside and, if you win my heart, you might even find a pearl in there, too. Force it open, though, and the shell will crack. All the jagged edges will destroy the interior and you’ll probably get a few scratches, too.
Submission compels me, but that doesn’t make my vanilla life as a dominant woman any less enthralling. I want to live on both sides of the slash: in command of my life and submissive in my romantic relationships.
To many, my brand of submission is inferior. It comes from my own desire, not a free-floating sense of obligation. I just don’t do things because I think my label demands it. I’m not willing to put any effort into being someone who isn’t me. I’d rather focus my efforts on my relationship because as long as that’s healthy, more profound submission follows all by itself. The difference is subtle but important.
This is who I am. It’s me, and I’m all I have to offer the world. I used to apologise for it, but now I can say it with pride.
If you want me to be somebody else, go out and find that somebody. I’ll bet she’s out there. If you want to know me, here I am.