The Trick to Managing Jealousy as a Fake Poly Monogamist

With thanks to @–Bunny—for letting me satirise her post

Monogamy is extinct, so we might as well kick the last stragglers off Fetlife alongside those nasty heterosexuals. Monogamists will now have to pretend to be poly or fuck off to OKCupid.

The number one question I’m asked as TheFerrett of fake poly monogamy is, “How do you manage jealousy?”

(Continued below)

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Never fear. Coping with poly jealousy as a fraudulent monogamist is easy: Overthink everything and focus on these simple truths with laser-like precision:

  • Your partner really does think her bewbs are better than yours.
  • Your partner thus deserves to have all his Oreo fillings switched with toothpaste.

  • Help your partner to find as much happiness as possible by spending five hours a day in the gym and the rest shopping for shoes you can’t afford.
  • Write a 50-page letter to your poly partners’ girlfriends about how they can make you happy by becoming crap in bed.
  • Only date people to make other people jealous.
  • Remember that if you’re struggling with poly, it’s your partner’s fault.

Love is a finite pool fed by the waters of your shitty opinion about your ass, which definitely looks fat in that. Fatter than hers, anyway, and also less bubbly. And way, way more wobbly. Come to think of it, you should never ever wear jeans again. Basically, you suck.

As for the sex bit, overthink that too, and be enthusiastic about it, for godsakes. Roll around in the tears of your self-pity until you feel so insecure that you can’t even land one date, let alone maintain a fraudulent poly relationship. The only reason your partner is poly anyway is because she wants to dump you. That problem is easily solved by calling her every 30 minutes to propose marriage. Sending a singing telegram can’t hurt either. In fact, hack into her social media accounts and Photoshop yourself into all her pictures right this second. She’ll soon see sense.

If you truly love someone, constantly cleave to their left leg like an overconfident jellyfish. This is the monogamist at her most tempting: clingy, needy, and very, very sexy, exactly like Angelina Jolie.

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