Before you even think of becoming a SpanishRed, decide if you can live with the rules of the SR Kingdom.
- All SpanishReds must sleep with the windows open. It’s compulsory because fresh air is compulsory. This means that SpanishReds have to sleep with their heads under the covers to avoid the mosquitos the open windows let in, so they spend all night breathing the same two litres of unfresh air under there. It doesn’t matter if it’s pointless. SpanishReds must still sleep with the windows open. It’s the rules.
- If a SpanishRed is freezing cold, she must either sit there shivering for hours or die trying to make the two-second walk to the nearest blanket.
- If SpanishReds forget to do up the duvet cover buttons on laundry day, they may not do all of them up at the same time after that. One button a day is acceptable. That way, by the time laundry day arrives again, most of the buttons will be done. That’s called “Lazy laundry”, and it totally uses up less energy.
- SpanishReds find it almost impossible to clean spillage off the floor on days other than Thursdays. Thursday is floor day, and no matter how annoying that spill is or how quickly it could be cleaned up, It
- In rare instances when cleaning the floor on a different day of the week is unavoidable, SpanishReds can get away with it if they don’t use the regular floor cleaning implements. Cleaning the floor with a duster and piece of cardboard will take 100 times longer, but It Is Not Thursday so it’s Lazy Day. No brooms!
- SpanishReds may not buy new hair clips if there are still two left. It doesn’t matter if they match or if one of them is rusty from being left in the shower. A SpanishRed can only buy new clips if all the others have been lost. Why? SpanishReds don’t ask why. Get your head back under those covers. The mosquitoes are coming.
- SpanishReds are required to wear their little black dresses while doing the housework. This means all expensive clothes will look old within a month, and all the casual crap you bought for housework will stay brand new until you convert it into pyjamas because you never wore it for anything else. SpanishReds do not buy real pyjamas. All sleepwear is casualwear’s hand-me-down.
You might think twice about becoming a SpanishRed now that you know the rules, but remember there are upshots. Mostly, people pretend they’re going to buy you Nutella and then never do. Come to think of it, maybe you should become a J3wel or a JLynnHoney instead.