How Erections Became Temporary: A True Story

In the beginning, god created the penis. Now, the penis was permanently hard and ready, and SpanishRed was pleased. And god said, “Let there be blowjobs”, and there were blowjobs all day, all night, during coffee breaks, and in between coffee breaks. There were so many blowjobs that even god got bored with watching them on his giant LCD screen in heaven.

Then god said, “Let there be kinky sex to give my smut some variety,” so SpanishRed got to fuck Adam every second of every day, and Adam was very, very tired. There was so much kinky sex that SpanishRed forgot there was such a thing as Nutella, and on the third day, Adam was even more tired than he was yesterday.

(Continued below) 

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On the fourth day, god said, “Let there be a boundary between SpanishRed’s horny hours and non-horny hours,” but it was not so because nothing got in the way of her and Adam’s permanently erect penis. And there was evening, and Adam hid behind The Tree of Knowledge, and SpanishRed found him. And god saw that it wasn’t good at all, and there was morning—the fifth day.

Then god said, “Let there be UTIs to force SpanishRed to take a break from Adam’s penis,” and it was so. Red got a UTI bad enough to make Tom Hanks feel grateful, so she did, indeed, take a break from sex…

… But not blowjobs, which happened all day, all night, during coffee breaks, and in between coffee breaks. And god said, “Oh my fucking god is there no stopping this woman?”

On the sixth day, Adam begged and begged and begged god for a rest, so god said, “Let there be cupcakes.” This idea would surely be god’s first miracle, as everyone knows that cupcakes are kryptonite to SpanishReds, who will do anything as long as there’s cream cheese icing in it for them, and it was so.

On the seventh day, though, SpanishRed went on a diet, and god said, “Oh for fucksakes.” And there were more blowjobs.

On the eighth day, god got an awesome idea: “Let erections be temporary so that Red-kind will be forced to go watch some TV or something.” And it was so. And SpanishRed cried and cried, and on the ninth day, Adam finally rested.

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