The Magic Wand Resigns

I’ve b-b-b-been the most important toy in your drawer for five years, and it’s about time you s-s-s-stopped treating me as though I’m a performing monkey. Our relationship isn’t n-n-nourishing my philosophical side. All I ever seem to do is b-b-b-buzz and s-s-stutter like some kind of ludicrous windup toy.

Oh for f-f-f-fucksakes. Can’t you turn me off for a minute while I’m sharing my g-g-g-grief? Surely Samantha’s orgasm c-c-can wait a few minutes?

Thanks. Was that so hard? Don’t I look more dignified when I’m turned off?

(Continued below)

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Since we’re on the topic of Samantha’s vagina, let’s go over my hard limits for the

thousandth time!!!

I’m not into pussy, and when last did I see a real cock? That’s right. NEVER. How do you think that makes me feel?

Horny. It makes me horny, dammit! Every day I watch Bob the Buttplug get one-on-one time with Anthony’s ass, and I don’t even get within buzzing distance. Would it hurt you to expose me to a little testosterone once in a while? And by the way, I do not consent to being soaked in female fluids, so no more squirters. I mean it.

I am more than a length of plastic. I am a precious jewel with a glorious spirit. When you push my ‘on’ button, do I not bleed? When you prick me, do I not cry?

So fine, the answer to both of those questions is technically a “no” but I have a soul, and hath not a soul tears?

I am significant! Being covered in lube does not befit my hero’s heart. Do you know what it feels like to spend half your life jiggling like a quivering maniac? My spirit is not jiggly. It’s powerful, like a deep ocean. I’m too good for pussy, and I will no longer gaze into the abyss that is Samantha’s vagina, for the abyss gazes also into me. Look at me! I’m turning into some kind of depressive, jiggly Nietzsche.

I quit. I’m going to find myself a man who needs a huge, buzzing butt plug with 56 premium attachments. Don’t look at me like that. I can be a butt plug because I’m magic. Fuck you.

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