In the beginning god created starry-eyed dates and red carnations. Dating life was saccharine enough to make you puke and rose petals were over the surface of the deep. Adam and Eve were completely batshit crazy in love and god saw that it was good, but then he got sick to death of all their kissing so he said, “Let there be shitty romances.” And it was so. Adam forgot to replace the milk, and god was pleased for Eve ranted and cried, and that was way more interesting than their god-awful, constant cuddling. And there was evening, and there was morning – the first day.
And god said, “Let there be burned and over-salted dinners to piss Eve off and make Adam feel like an idiot.” So god made higher settings on the stove and got Adam to put too much seasoning in the potatoes. God called the grotty dinners “not tasty enough to make up for the milk Adam forgot to buy yesterday so seriously, try harder.” And there was evening, and there was morning, and Adam wept – the second day.
And god said, “Let there be affairs so that Eve has even more to whine about and Adam has more time to give me back massages.” And it was so. Eve went on a date with the serpent, and Adam found out, and all hell broke loose. God enjoyed watching the world’s first domestic so much that he decided to create a girl named Sue, who was way prettier than Eve. And Adam fell in love with Sue, and god saw that it was really getting interesting now.
Then god said, “Let there be PMS and mirrors so that Eve wonders if her ass looks fat in this.” And it was so. Eve joined a gym and put on far too much makeup, but Adam didn’t even notice because Sue’s ass didn’t look fat in that at all. And god saw that it was very, very entertaining, so he made some popcorn – the fourth day.
And god said, “Let there be cock shots and cell phones so that Adam sends embarrassing photographs to Sue.” Adam took a photo of his cock next to a coke can, and Sue laughed, and Eve sniggered, for this was just the karma she’d been waiting for. And god said, “Let there be Facebook.” Eve posted Adam’s cock shot for her 5, 087 followers, and Adam just about died of humiliation. There was evening, and there was morning – the fifth day.
God realised that everyone was fighting now so he wasn’t getting any porn to watch, so he said, “Let there be bisexuality.” And it was so. Eve and Sue fell in love; Adam sent god carnations, and god sent him a cock shot. The serpent hacked into god’s phone and posted his dick pic on a revenge porn site. That was the sixth day.
On the seventh day, god saw all he had made, and it wasn’t good at all, so he made Greenland, fucked off out of Eden, and never saw Adam or Eve again.