If You Call My Vagina a “Pink Pearl” I Will Slap You

My clitoris is not a love button <slap> My vagina is not a vajayjay <eye punch> Your penis is not a candystick <hurl> I hate sexual euphemisms. What’s wrong with good, old-fashioned swearing and plain English? The words “fucking” and “cunt” have been around since Shakespeare’s day for a reason. They express human sexuality accurately—and sex is as down to earth as it gets. I think we should speak about it that way.

Flowery sexual language makes me twitch, too. “Pleasuring” as a verb makes me think you’re about to scatter rose petals on the bed and blow gently in my ear. There’s not a damn thing wrong with rose petals, but I prefer sex that rolls around in the dirt. Pool of moisture? Ptuey! Take the poetry to the next profile. ‘Round here, we say, “fuck” because we fuck. We do not “pleasure pink pearls”. I hear Mabel at profile 4158280 likes a gentle touch, though, and she really digs it when her yoni is fondled.

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Einstein said, “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.” I say if you can’t describe it without flowery euphemisms, you’re prolly too ostentatious about sex.

I get why people hunt so furiously for alternative words, though. “Vagina” isn’t exactly the raciest one in the dictionary, and nor is “penis.” The English language has done a crap job of evolving to suit sexuality. The only real alternatives we have to pussyfooting around the pussy are sciency words like “vulva” or rudimentary ones like “cunt.” Our slang is sometimes too gritty, and our plain English makes us sound like an anatomy textbook. We have too many second-choice-words and are woefully bereft of A-grade ones.

Usually, English is an impeccable workhorse. It does its job: The word “water” makes me thirsty. The word “chocolate” makes me taste chocolate. Sex? That word does its job just fine, but “cervix”? Not so much. We need to invent an entirely new stable of words for the human body, but since we haven’t done that yet, can we just use the ones we’ve got?

Say it with me: vagina, vagina, vagina.

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6 thoughts on “If You Call My Vagina a “Pink Pearl” I Will Slap You

  1. Someone referred to their ‘pleasure stick’ while sending me a message on Twitter the other day and I just about gagged… PENIS… its not that difficult to say… if you’re old enough to use it, you’re old enough to say the word.

    Liked by 2 people

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