active: I Live as an intellectual when it makes me feel superior
is looking for: Someone to mock about dangling participles.
You can all breathe a sigh of relief because ProfessorExistentialist has arrived to teach Fetlife’s masses the difference between “you’re” and “your.” As my profile says, I have an IQ of 157.7677987. I know that makes people feel inferior, but it also makes me feel superior, so fuck you. Sit back, grab some popcorn, (Oxford comma) and watch me masturbate my ego until it ejaculates punctuation marks all over these lovely black pages.
I’m not here merely to share my infinite knowledge of syntax and homiletics, but to have kinky, perfectly punctuated, (Oxford comma) existentialist sex to the tunes of composers nobody can pronounce.
I’m not one to repress my superlative vocabulary, which I update annually when Oxford University adds to its Shorter Dictionary. I expect the same from all who write to me. If you want to be the sub of a seriously ostentatious asshole who fact checks you as you speak, please write 300 words about why you deserve to be around my titanic IQ. Only messages written in Associated Press style will be accepted. Anything less forces me to break into didactic speeches about your errors, and you don’t want that, do you?
All negotiations with new subs shall be done in 12 languages, including sign language and interpretive dance, as this makes my ego feel all gooey inside. However, a few things are non-negotiable. My subs are all required to celebrate National Library Day and must be able to recite the last paragraph of The Pale Blue Dot by heart. I like to slumber to readings from Ulysses, and when I wake up, I expect you to greet me with a gourmet breakfast with an unpronounceable name. Finally, all subs must read the Annals of Emergency Medicine weekly and update me on new white papers over dinner.
My philosophical opinions about kink fall into the postmodernist school. Foucault and Kierkegaard were clearly involved in an M/s relationship, so obviously I manage my harems only in my imagination. Nothing is binary, including my cock, which ejaculates in Wittgenstein quotations. Are my subs real, or are they merely spectres of the postmodern condition? Nobody will ever know, but that’s okay because I will make sure they know that my IQ is 157.7677987, which is all that really matters.
As for my hobbies, I like wearing kilts to play parties, protesting about journal paywalls, translating book reviews into Dutch, name dropping, and reminding people of my IQ. Oh, and also pointing out that I use The Oxford Comma.
I don’t know where this recent trend of calling me insufferable has come from, but as far as I’m concerned, it ends now. You will show me the respect you would show anyone who isn’t an excruciating asshole or I will follow you around Fetlife pointing out your logical fallacies all damned year.
P.S. I have an IQ of 157.7677987