Seven Completely Unsolvable Problems

I want to eat lunch because I’m hungry, but I must mop the floor first, and I don’t want to mop the floor, so I’m not, which means I still can’t eat lunch. There is no solution to this problem.

I’m too lazy to get up from my desk to go lie around on the couch being lazy. There is no solution to this problem either.

Is it a date? Or isn’t it? I’ve asked four friends what they think. Only two of them agree. How many friends do I need to ask to find out if it’s a date or not? If I ask too many people, will that be the same as skewing the numbers to get the answer I want to hear? And what the fuck does “datish” mean?

(Continued below)

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I don’t want to work. I want money. Typing that last sentence still didn’t make me want to work or earn me any money. Mankind has been trying to solve this problem ever since Mrs Ples told Mr Ples she’d give him a blowjob if he went to collect eggs from the coop.

If you say “Fetlowlife” and “postmodern gender politics” in the same sentence, does a droid-shaped torso appear? If so, does it carry you from the desk to the couch and give cash to lazy people who refuse to mop the floor?

Playing Candy Crush on desktop instead of mobile is more fun because you can see the candy bounce inside their teeny squares. Playing Candy Crush on desktop is also less fun because it’s harder to see patterns on a big screen, so I always lose. Is bouncing better than winning? Or is winning better than bouncing? I will surely die from trying to solve this problem.

Would it be weird to tell my neighbours I’m in love with their dog and want visiting rights? There is no right and honest answer to this question. “Yes, it would be weird” is not the right answer. I will stand here until you say, “The neighbours would love a stranger to screech all over their new puppy in the privacy of their garden.”

I’m waiting.

Still waiting.

I’m building a blanket fort.

I will be 100% comfortable waiting all week. I have popcorn.

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