Curly Mascara Wands Really Do Make You a Better Person

I see myself as a liberal: I don’t straight jacket myself in trends, religion or a single school of intellectual thought, but when the marketing beast opens its mouth, I believe everything it says. I really do believe that makeup is the window to the soul and curly mascara wands make me a better person. Stop rolling your eyes at me. It all happens subconsciously. It’s Ogilvy’s fault, not mine.

I’ll spend R1000 just to get one of those free cosmetic gifts which inevitably consist of luminous orange lipstick nobody would pay real money for, half an application of wrinkle cream I’ll end up using on my left knee, and truly hideous yellow nail polish. Oh, and of course the all-important makeup bag to add to my collection because it’s blasphemous to throw away something that has a Lancôme label.

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One of those makeup bags is being used for its purpose: to contain makeup I actually use. Two contain my pencils. They’re only long enough to carry extremely old midget pencils, but if I don’t get some use out of these free gifts I will cut someone. Five contain the unused orange lipsticks I can’t bear to throw away. Every time I consider tossing them I remember that I may one day meet a very old lady with very bad taste who I’m obliged to ‘buy’ a gift for.

My sister’s just as bad. She has an especially fussy face that requires three different moisturisers, or she will die a torturous death, wrinkles in tow. She also thinks her vulva is too incompetent to maintain its own PH balance, so she has a special soap just for that. Like me, she’s hooked on makeup samples, but the goop company she uses requires her to give something back in exchange for their completely useless crap. Guess what that something is? Her sister’s fucking telephone number.

So now I’m on the phone list of a cosmetic company that wants your phone number in exchange for a luminous orange lipstick nobody would buy, half an application of wrinkle cream I’ll end up using on my left knee, and truly hideous yellow nail polish.

Don’t worry. I won’t share it.

Honestly, I won’t.

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2 thoughts on “Curly Mascara Wands Really Do Make You a Better Person

  1. My favorite thing about mascara commercials is the fine print which states that the model has been filmed wearing lash inserts. This basically says “Look, if you have puny lashes …” (and I do, by the way, have itty bitty lashes, which have also begun to turn grey, thereby increasing their invisibility to hairless alien status) “… no amount of mascara is going to help you. We couldn’t even help this supermodel enough to sell our product. We had to give her lash implants and hope you wouldn’t notice the fine print. Good luck in your attempt to fulfill impossible beauty expectations.”

    And

    None of this stop me from buying … and hoping.

    Liked by 1 person

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